Smart Watch? Nope.

I don’t do tech reviews, normally, because I don’t think anyone can review any technological device as soon as it comes out. Sure, you can see how fast it is with benchmarks, you can oooh and ahhh over screen resolutions and all the pretty colors, but really, you don’t know how good a device is until you’ve had it a while.

My new technology fetish went away a few decades ago. To paraphrase Douglas Adams, I don’t want technology, I want stuff that works.

A few years ago, I got one of these ‘smart watches’. I didn’t really buy it, but I did, because it came as a special with the phone I purchased at the time. In fact, I wouldn’t have gotten one otherwise, because – well, what’s the point of having something you don’t need? For some people there is a point to that, a point I do not understand or need to, but I’m probably lazier than them. The things I need demand enough time of me, and I need time to not be doing things for the things that I need.

Henry David Thoreau was on to something.

This watch was shiny and new. It was packaged prettily. It even came charged, and so I dutifully became familiar with it and got it to do some stuff – like tell the time, monitor my heart rate and sleeping, and connect to my calendar. It did these things dutifully, but it would require charging just about every day.

That’s annoying. My first watch was a Mickey Mouse watch, given to me at age 9 6 by my parents so that (1) I could learn to tell time by the hands, (2) I would know what time it was and stop asking them. It was incredible for about a week. I would have to wind it up daily, and Mickey dutifully pointed at the hour with his small hand and the minutes with his longer hand. It was then I realized that Mickey Mouse had arms that were not uniform. This bothered me, so I took off the watch and simply looked at the clock on the wall.

They’re selling smart watches now that show the time digitally or traditionally, and they’re all very sleek, but… I don’t think they’re worth the effort. I have lots of devices that tell me what time it is. The heart rate and health stuff was interesting to monitor for a while, but that’s gotten monotonous. And when I look at the watch, greedily sucking at the nipple of it’s wireless charger, I wonder what the point of it is.

It has not improved my life. The feature for talking to people on it like it’s a phone – the whole Dick Tracy thing – is annoying, and having tried it, anyone who does it in public looks like an idiot. I’m sorry if that’s you, but yes, shouting at your wrist and sticking your ear next to it to hear what’s being said makes you look like an idiot. Notice, I didn’t call you an idiot. It just makes you look like one.

Anywhere my watch went, my phone went. Much more usable. Much longer battery life. Much more useful. The whole ‘smart watch’ thing seems like a novelty to me.

I sort of knew it when I got it because I didn’t really want it. Now it will go into a drawer of junk, leaving my wrist free and unencumbered when I write on a laptop, without it scratching the laptop case. Yes, my laptop has a scar.

Wearable technology is a cool idea until you wear it a while. Now they’re gonna put ‘AI’ on them to make them ‘smarter’ and again, not that big of a deal.

Of course, if you really want one, go out and get one, but really – what do you need it to do?

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